HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES

My brother Eric emailed me this thinking I might be able to use it for, as he put it, "a confusing lesson". I mailed back and said "Don't worry. My lessons are already confusing!

Anyway, enjoy the wordplay! I sure did!


HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):
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> I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
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> Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
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> Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
> He's all right now.
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> The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
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> The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
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> To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
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> When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
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> The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
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> A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
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> A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
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> Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
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> We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
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> When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.
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> The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

> > The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
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> The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
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> If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
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> A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
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> A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
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> A will is a dead giveaway.
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> Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
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> A backward poet writes inverse.
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> In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
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> A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
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> If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
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> With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
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> Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
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> When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
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> The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
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> A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France and resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
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> You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
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> Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
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> He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
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> A calendar's days are numbered.
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> A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
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> A boiled egg is hard to beat.
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> He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
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> A plateau is a high form of flattery.
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> Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
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> When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
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> If you jump off a Par is bridge, you are in Seine .
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> When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
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> Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
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> Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
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> Acupuncture: a jab well done.